I must wish on a star that never shines...

So, it's been one month and eight days since I was at the doctor last. One month and eight days to start feeling bad again. Ugh. Why is CF so hard?

I hate this.
I hate the disease, I hate that there isn't a cure, I hate how I never know whether I will be feeling good or bad when I wake up in the morning. I hate how I can't go ten minutes without coughing. I hate how I feel like I can't breathe in enough air. I hate it. I hate it with every part of my being.

I just wished I was normal. I wished I could breathe. I wished I wasn't sick. I wish for a lot of things. I guess it's time to call the doctor and tell him to set me up an appointment. I guess it's time to pack my things for yet another hospital stay. I guess I need to prepare for the many needle sticks and pokes I will have to endure for the next two weeks. I guess I need to love up on my puppy as much as I can since I won't be able to see her for two weeks straight. I guess I need mentally memorize the feel of my own bed, the taste of homemade food, and the smell of home.

I get tired of this.

I'm just tired....

Missing my best friend...

I have actually not had a terribly bad week this week. Surprising I know! I did go to the eye doctor and told him about many headaches I have been having, and I learned that my vision was 20/200. He said that is about ten times worse than the average person. Yikes. I also found out that my nephew can make me cry! I was talking to him on the phone and he said, "Sissy, I want to be with you". He lives in another state, so I told him, "Bubba you have to have money to come see me". I heard him rustling around and then I heard my sister say," Brexton! Get out of my purse!" Turns out, he got into Linsy's wallet and got a twenty dollar bill and then told me, "I have money now, Sissy. I want to be where you are please!" I tried to explain to him why he couldn't and he just kept saying," But I love you Sissy. I want you, Sissy. Please please please let me see you Sissy. Please?" He started crying because my sister took the phone because he was going to keep talking until the battery died. It took all I had to tell him bye and that I would see him sometime soon. I heard him whining in the background when I was telling Linsy bye. He said, "Mama, I'm never going to see Sissy again." It tore my heart to pieces! I wanted to drive to Texas just to give him a hug! I miss that little boy when he isn't around me. Him and my niece, who just now is saying Sissy, are two things that keep me motivated. I don't know what I ever did without them! They have my heart! I hope that I will see them soon! I miss them terribly!

Too Much Sadness

This coming month marks the one year anniversary of my brother Lucas' death. It is not any easier to deal with than it has been. To add to the sadness, I found out about an hour ago that my seven year old cousin was in an ATV wreck. He didn't make it. This year has started out so badly. I thought new year=better year than the last. Well, it hasn't shown it. Everything is so sad nowadays... I just keep praying and hoping that everything will work out for the best... *Sigh*